Never give up

The past few days have been times of self-reflection to me. Initially, I found out people had been badmouthing me and backstabbing me and I was pretty angry.
And then I heard this song by b.a.p. I had it on my phone for a while but since it was in Korean I didn't understand the lyrics. I just listened for the awesome piano accompaniment. Then I read up the lyrics and... Wow.

No more pain goodbye goodbye
I will shed and throw away my weakness and overcome myself
Bring me back to me
No more cry goodbye goodbye
I will jump over this world alright
-B.A.P, Goodbye

The song became such motivation and I began thinking about things a bit more positively, not so much focusing on myself but looking at the whole picture. Especially the part where the singer says 'no more pain, goodbye' is just so good. I decided, if they want to ignore me then be that way.

Failure is what makes me stronger
Fear is what makes me run –watch me now .
-B.A.P, Goodbye

And THEN,
I heard this awesome (also) song.

Never give up
Cheer up, toward your dreams Never give up
Get up, get up, you can do it
Wake up, wake up
Don't worry, everything will be fine Never give up
Because it's you, it's you
Believe in yourself
Never give up
-Bang&Zelo, Never give up

It didn't really catch my attention but the more I listen to it, the more I get it stuck in my head. The song is about how we should never give up our dreams no matter how suffocated school makes us feel.

'Do what you like, love what you do.'

So what I'm thinking now is, I don't need people by my side to make it. I admit I made mistakes and I'm not perfect in my attitude. But I will try to change for the better, make those new people I meet disagree with those people who critic me say. I will accept criticism and improve myself.

Most importantly, I will try my best to forgive and to stop talking bad about people since I know how painful it is.

NEVER GIVE UP.

hwaiting~~

Left out.

Friends. We all have them. At least I thought I did. I find it quite amusing, how fragile a relationship is. I thought I was liked, but when I think about it again, I'm really not memorable at all. Imagine a puzzle, it's complete. You can't fit any other piece in.  That's how I feel. It's not easy to slip into those groups that are already made. Of course some people don't have a problem.
So today it was just another day at school. During physics I was sitting with my group. Group, not friends. Maybe used-to-befriends. Something happened earlier this month which really, I don't think is my fault at all. I had every right to lose my cool at them that day. Since then me and two of my friends have been on rather awkward terms, or rather it's possibly obvious that they don't want to have anything to do with me.
I just feel so unwanted.
I almost did it again, but of course me being forgetful as always, I forgot to bring along my compass *cough* cutting object *cough*.

I live on attention. I'm not getting it. I just want to cry and let it all out.

If I were to die, I wonder who'd actually care.

29.04.2012

I has headache >< Headaches have gotten unusually frequent for me *sighs*

I'm such a fail at dieting...

So essentially for the past few weeks I've been trying to diet. Like, avoiding fast food and stuff (which I very epically failed.)
I've decided. TO HELL WITH WORRYING SO MUCH. I'm just gonna enjoy life, exercise the every occasional random time and just, LIVE. I swear all this worrying is causing me more pimples ><

How many of you didn't care about what I just said? :D




ANYWAY, here's something I've been pondering...
So once upon a time, in a not so far away land was ME. Me and person C. We were in the same primary school and funny thing is, we never talked before. Maybe there was the occasional 'Hi' but... nothing else. THEN somehow or rather when I was in secondary school (form 1 or 2) I started texting with person C. EVERY NIGHT. There was once we texted until about 3 in the morning o.o
It went on for about a year I think... and then. We stopped. Just stopped. Talking didn't seem fun anymore, I've tried to start conversation again but it feels like I'm bothering person C. I'm sure some of you know how I feel. It's kind of sad really, and I don't even know why. Has person C found someone more fun and better to text? Was it something I said? *sighs*

I think I'm just overthinking it.

Now, we move on to person IHHSM. (don't ask o.o) We were good friends and ended up in the same class this year (again -.-). She's totally fine and all that, very pretty too. But there's this thing about her attitude that seems to peeve me all the time. So I'm the 'cleanliness representative' of the class and if the class is dirty, I have to pay. Like, Pay, with hard cold CASH. IHHSM is on duty for sweeping the floor and well, she was all 'I'll just pay the fine.' I wouldn't have minded if it wasn't for that every month, the cleanliness scores are tallied and the worst class, dirtiest class and most undisciplined class are chosen. There's also an average score and me being the ultimate kiasu, strive to be above the average score.
So I kind of got angry and threatened her a bit. (at least I think so o.o) Then she and the other person on duty did their duty and well, they missed a lot of rubbish but since they were sweeping anyway, I decided to save my voice and took the broom from them to do it myself. Since then she's been a little cold o.o
THEN (jeng jeng jeng) we had this rehearsal for something and we had to sit in lines. I wanted to talk to my friend who was supposed to sit with her in the row behind me and I was like 'IHHSM, move.' THERE WAS AMPLE SPACE, I HAVE WITNESSES. But she went all whiny like, 'I don't want to, she can go sit the other side.' My reaction in my head?

whu-?

THERE'S IS SO MUCH DAMN SPACE NEXT TO YOU AND TO MUCH SPACE FOR HER TO SIT THERE. CAN'T YOU JUST SCOOT YOUR SKINNY BUTT OVER AND JUST MOVE?! 

Of course I didn't say that, just kind of like... 

patience Rayne, patience...

yeah. so she scooted over anyway. Then whenever I tried to talk to her she avoided eye contact. I think she was just trying to concentrate on her history book but... I'm sick of her 'cold shoulder'. 

Yeah, no shit. She's the same girl as the post before and before. The girl who put me through a lot last year ^^

I'm so just... urgh.

*commands all possible patience*

bye-bi~! 

:) Rayne

09.03.2012

People confuse me. It strikes me how people are so darn good at making me annoyed.
So today in class, last two periods, free period. I had to discuss something with some people so I was getting ready to pull my chair over to their tables but this girl, X, was pulling her chair over to their spot too. So just for the fun of it and because my first reaction is my kiasu-ness, I ran with my chair and put it in the remaining spot before her. She was like 'Hey I was here first' and I retaliated with 'I need to discuss something with them'. I didn't mean any harm, I just wanted to play around. Then she pulls on that freaking *explicit* face and pulls her chair back to her place. The others and me were like, 'Sit here, there's place.' But no, she started the cold shoulder nonsense.
So I just walked over and said sorry, I was just playing around. Then she was like, 'Yeah, I'm fine. Just that what you did just now was really childish.'
I kept a pokerface and walked back to the group. Inside I was all :

Seriously, *explicit*? -.-

How dare you call me childish. Your little ignorant *explicit* isn't childish? Who's the bossy person who makes people follow what she does? Who's the girl that put me through a period of ignorance for what you yourself called a 'stupid reason'? Who's the one people complain about saying you're such a *explicit*?
Honestly I wouldn't care if you ignored me all over again. I've gotten stronger from your little skit last year.

And to tell you the truth, I never did forgive you for what you did. Probably never will now.

1.3.2012

can I do it? 

     Forgive and Forget.

     Last year, end of year holidays. I remember it, I really do. Yeah, uploaded a picture of myself just for the heck of it and maybe subtly increase my self confidence. (which is at an all time low now). Everything was going SWIMMINGLY well. Until my 'friend' gave a pretty harsh comment about me being such a camwhore and being 'lala'.
     THAT STUNG. The freaking stung, Yeah sure I can put up the I don't care attitude, but deep down these things affect me. ALOT.  She even posted TWO statuses that were glaringly obviously about me. I deleted every single photo I had of myself. Two reasons, one was because of that mean mean mean comment and another because I don't look like myself in ANY of the photos. I feel like if I were to meet the people in real life, I would somehow be 'disappointing'. But that's another deep thought of my mind for another day.
     So well, I ended up in the same class as her. I decided to ignore whatever happened, ignorance is bliss you know? So well, I just went along with life, until yesterday during school cocurricular activities, she suddenly said she wanted to talk to me.
    She apologized. I was rather shocked but meh. Then she told me that someone had told her to do it, which makes me rather more pissed. I just told her it's fine and all that and I had forgotten about it. Which I had.
     Which brings me to my statement. I am not a person to forgive AND forget. I can only do one, and most of the time it's the latter. I forget, but now and then when I'm about to fall asleep, my idiot mind would creep up and remind me of what happened. I'm a revenge-seeking person, I will not lie. Many times when people do stupid stuff to me I forget it as time passes. But I don't forgive. I find it ironic, how I can turn a blind eye but still feel that revenge-seeking attitude creep up in me everytime I see that person. Maybe as more time passes, I forgive. But I never TRULY do it on purpose. When a person apologizes and I say it's okay, I'm just saying I'm willing to forget about it. Every scar is still there, each yet to be avenged.
    Unless of course, with the amount of studying I'm doing, my brain runs out of space and deleted my revenge list.

Pssh.
Rayne.

01.01.2012

Well hello, 2012 :) I hope you'll treat me nicely o.o

Okay then, 

FGA KL YC CAMP 2011: The Advancement Part 2

Day 3, 30/12/2011

The 'Final Day' of camp. We had this awesome buffet for dinner xD I wanted to get more spaghetti after that but there wasn't anymore >< We had spaghetti, lamb, chicken, french fries (:3), ice cream, mushroom soup, salad and buns. So much for losing weight in camp :/ 

Then of course later at night, was the moment of truth. PRESENTATION TIME XD
My games group paired up with A2Z Productions. We were given the movie 'Fast and Furious 5'. So basically we changed the cars to bicycles and instead of stealing money, we stole cookies from a factory xD And guess who was given the honour of being a factory worker -.- Woopdeedoo, such an awesome role. But I'm not much of an actor either. For the first time in my very kiasu life, I couldn't care if we won or not. When we practised I laughed so hard and during games I had so much fun I didn't really care if we won. But anyway, our presentation went smoothly, except for Jarrett's rap which he screwed up xD But it's okay since we won second place. (I'll talk about the prize giving later :D) 

Then we got to sleep later. I went out, finished my Tom Yam Maggi cup noodles which tasted pretty bland to me... and went back to sleep. The gang were standing on the chairs having some sort of rap battle... and I wasn't really up to it at that time. I admit I was feeling a bit left out but I didn't have the energy despite my cup of rich Nescafe I had taken 5 minutes before and was still drinking. Went to sleep without any problems. I think I'm immune to caffeine o.o 

OH OH and I had a loong talk to Caitlin who was sleeping in the bottom bunk abuot kpop xD I finally found someone whom I can talk kpop about to xD 

Then, on to the next day.

Day 4 (Last day) 31.12.2011

YOU KNOW WHY YC CAMP IS AWESOME? They let you sleep an hour later on the last day xD and in the morning's they had this TAR, The Advancement Radio to wake you up which is awesome. So we folded all the linens and stuff. Suddenly they announced on the speaker that breakfast was first come first serve, and I dashed out of the dorm immediately xD I WILL NEVER FORSAKE YOU FOOD! 

Ate the food, then went out for a walk. My last day with the awesome cold air :'( Had a good walk with Rianne and Pat... (Oh and Rianne, I love you 'cat daddy' the 'duggy' and ASPARAGUS XD)

Prize giving :D We didn't win for games (I'm not surprised). So they were announcing the winners for presentations. They announced 3rd, wasn't us. Then they announced the runner-up... AND IT WAS US!! I was pretty shocked honestly... But I'm so happy... and guess what I won? A FREAKING RM5 VOUCHER AT CHATIME!! (YES!!!) When they announced it I was so hapy and bobbing up and down :D 

The last session. I'll write another post later about all the sessions and how every one touched me personally :) 

Going back home. I was halfway talking to a boy about someone and then the line for the bus started moving. THEN. They cut of the line right in front of me. I was like 'DARN IT!!!' But I'm glad I stayed behind xD I met this pretty cool looking dude, (forgot his name xD) I LOVE HIS HAT. We became acquantainces. (However you spell it ><) But he's 21, outta my league xD But I'm not looking for anything now. I just want to improve my relationship with God :) 

So I guess that pretty much sums up my camp in the fun way. I'll write about the holy stuff another time when I can think everything through xD 

Goodbye :)

31.12.2011

FGA YC CAMP 2011: The Advancement Part 1


So, for the past 4 days I've been back in peace haven xD This time it was for the youth camp and it was so awesome. I mean, like really AWESOME. I was in the team 'Les Film du Poisson'. (It's french xD) It changed my whole perspective of being a Christian and many other things. So here we go :D

Day 1 - 28.12.2011

So we had ice-breakers and stuff, but none of those ice breakers prepared us for the next day's games xD But that's a later story. Pastor Andy talked about Changing the world.
Basically,  he gave us 6 points (at least I wrote 6 down)

1. Change will cost you. -- To get change, you will have to pay more than you will get back. 
2. Change is uncomfortable. 
3. Change will 'cut' something away from you. -- something will have to leave you.
4. Change can be for better or worse. 
5. Change brings about criticism.
6. You have to have a cause for the change, and you must be a channel. 

I couldn't really relate to this topic but it certainly was interesting :D I'm not really one to dream of changing the world, but it doesn't mean I can't. xD

Day 2 - 29/12/2011

THE MOST EPIC GAMES DAY.

I'll list out the games I can remember and their descriptions xD

=> Drinker's game

----We had to finish a whole bottle of 5 litres of water faster than the other team xD Each team is only given 8 straws, and the bottle is rather deep so we had to join the straws. The boys let the girls drink first, and halfway I felt like laughing for some reason so I let go of the straw... and it fell in xD But I quickly found another one near the sink and washed it to use it xD

=> P.O.T.P.
----I'm guessing it stands for 'put the panty on'. They had these paper-ish disposable panties and we had to put them on over our pants and run an obstacle course xD The last obstacle was to blow a balloon and burst it. When I sat on it all the air came out since I didn't tie it, so I just quickly used my nails to tear the balloon xD  Josean was last, and he had the audacity to ask 'which way is the front'? LOL like crazy man.

=> Buttball
----The only game I didn't exactly enjoy. We had to play captainball without lifting our butts from the ground xD The team we chose to play against was all boys and majority pretty tall... big mistake. We lost 3-2. :( But it was a good experience :D

=> Aqualauncher
--- Basically volleyball with water balloons and cloths xD We won.

=> Team Fortress
---- Self-explanatory.

=> *some really long name I can't remember*
--- we had to make a fruit salad, sandwich and mocktail. I was in charge of the fruit salad and the judges puji-d my orange xD We drawed this one.

And some other games I'm too lazy to type. xP

So I've covered half of the camp. I'll continue tomorrow.

17 more minutes to 2012 :D
Happy New Year in advance :D xxoo :D