14.5.2011

nein ich bin nicht tot.

push me, into your fantasy.

exams were just over, I think this is one of the worst exams I've ever done in... hurrah. So, yesterday, our last exam (art) was before recess, so after recess I got out of the dreaded hall and we went back to our classes. Throughout the exam, I tried to talk to merissa but she just ignored me. I thought it was exam stress or something, so I left it alone. After recess, she took her seat next to me but she just read her pride and prejudice book. I said hi and tried to make conversation but she just put up her hand as a sign that she wants to read. I tried talking again a while later but she completely ignored me. So I went to tlak to Adele for a while. Merissa soon started talking to laura and they were laughing so much. Hurt me a little, thought she was a true friend. I kind of left it alone I guess. But the mroe I thought about it the more emo I became. I went back to my seat and tried sleeping. Laura asked me to go talk to them but merissa looked a bit uneasy about it so I just shook my head since I felt sleepy anyways. Merissa pulled her chair back and I thought she was gonna talk to me again but she took her bag and sat in the empty chair next to clarissa. Dayum. I fiddled around with my pencil box and found my compass. Forgot to take it out from maths. I was like, really realy rock bottom emo that time, so I dunno why but I cried little bit. 2 tears, and it's over. I took my compass and scratched a smiley face in my arm. First time I ever hurt myself like that. It did feel a little sore, but everytime I saw that red mark, I kind of felt proud for going through the pain. Thank goodness my parents didn't see it.
So yes, that's everything. I want friends, so much. A shoulder to cry on, a friend all to myself.
Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to cut.